DropletSoDillies

Windless

2012-02-01T02:10:00.000+08:00

i'm not sure how it should be like but bidding farewell to 2 people who have kept me sane most days when it's been most insane seems like a heavy weight on my shoulders.

listening to illogical arguments has convinced me that it is not sane to try to keep up with the insanity that has become a daily regiment. capability is not a supporting reason any more and the greens make no sense except for what could be greener on the other side.

once again, i'm the last one standing, not because of my abilities but rather my inability. frustrations! windless lungs struggle for breath underneath the stress. i take deep breaths but it's making me nauseous. give me air, i beg. but who listens? please, walk away.

maybe, i forgot to breathe again.

2012-01-31T12:23:00.003+08:00

i'm no fashionista but FASHION101:

if you're fat, you do not wear bright colors that can be spotted from a mile away and you do not wear ruffles. and this applies to you especially if you're not cute!

Poker?

2012-01-31T11:05:00.000+08:00

going in circles, the line is always poker straight. it will not, cannot, shall not, waver. except when below the belt. low blow! we always scream. but what fun would it be if not for so?

Reels

2012-01-31T10:59:00.004+08:00

and the buzz continues, while we continue to reel. the piles and stacks we should complete but fail to register. the mind wants to space and cannot decide, only to appear busy. pretence, could be quite a fatal job. we must work that out, carefully.

which leads me to the one-worded advice given when asked. not totally unexpected but something for which i cannot find a response for. hah! true to form, will not and cannot teach.

Raging Silence

2012-01-15T03:22:00.003+08:00

whispers in the dark, speaks of stories untold.
we cower in fright and fight the chill.
silent noises and flat echoes.
when the night is done, we no longer recall.

Half

2012-01-15T03:16:00.000+08:00

wind howling in the night, rain beating against the window pane.
give me shelter in your arms, give me warmth through your care.
you see through me, like i see through glass.
and like glass,
so crystal clear,
shatter.

2012-01-14T15:27:00.000+08:00

you are not supreme. you are just uglier. you need to learn that you are not superior, not here, not anywhere in the world.

I'm Bulbous

2012-01-11T19:36:00.002+08:00

I'm Bulbous And I Know It - performed by Ms LXXX

When I walk on by, boys be looking like damn she's fat,
I PLUMP to the beat, walking on the street with in my old lafreak, yeah
This is how I ROLL, badly cut hair, out o control.
It's purple Foo with the big ass fro
And like Fat Bastard I got the blub

Ahh. Boy look at that body (x3)
I-I-I don't work out
Ahh. Boy look at that body (x3)
I-I-I eat alot

When I walk in the spot, this is what I see
Everybody stops and they staring at me
I got cockroaches in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it... show it... show it... show it...

I'm bulbous and I know it (x2)

When I'm at the mall, security just can't fight them all
When I'm at the beach, I'm in a grandma undie trying to tan my cheeks
ya This is how I roll, come on boys it's time to go
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/lmfao/sexy_and_i_know_it.html ]
We headed to the bar, baby don't be nervous
NO SHOES, no pants, and I get no service.
WATCH
Ahh. boy look at that body (x3)
I don't work out
Ahh. boy look at that body (x3)
I eat alot

When I walk in the spot, this is what I see
Everybody stops and they staring at me
I got lizards in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it(Show it show it show it)

I'm bulbous and I know it (x2)

Check it out! (x2)
Wobble, Wobble , Wobble , Wobble , Wobble , Wobble
Wobble, Wobble , Wobble , Wobble , Wobble , yeah
Wobble, Wobble , Wobble , Wobble, Wobble , yeah
Wobble, Wobble , Wobble , wob, yeah yeah
I'm bulbous and I know it
Do the wobble man
I do the wobble man

Boy look at that body (x3)
I-I-I don't work out
Boy look at that body (x3)
I-I-I eat alot boy in the everywhere

I'm bulbous and I know it.

sing to the tune of LMFAO's I'm Sexy and I Know It

2012-01-11T16:04:00.001+08:00

you greet the world with a cough.

Abnormality

2012-01-06T00:42:00.001+08:00

what is wrong with this world? it surely can't be right? nothing is in order and everything is in a mess!
people need to start behaving like normal beings! things need to be in their rightful places!

2012 Resolutions

2012-01-02T23:46:00.003+08:00

and i feel obliged to make my new year resolutions.

i will be a better person.
i will be more assertive and confident.
i will earn some good karma, do some charity, do more good.
i will be a little more healthy, try some sports, watch my food intake... (i hope)
i will quit that stick after i turn 30.
i will be happier.
i will earn my driving license.
i will have more recognizable achievements in my career.
i will be a better child to my parents.
i will spend more time with my aging aunts.
i will save more money and manage my finances better.
i will start my own little business.
i will have better time management, i will turn up for work earlier.

i will make 2012 count.

2012-01-02T00:59:00.001+08:00

so, new year. new hopes, new dreams, new opportunities?

i just want to dance like there is no tomorrow.

2011-12-29T05:08:00.001+08:00

making merry and induced happiness brings the escape so desperately craved for.

if not frowned upon, I'd be a walking time bomb and disaster.

- phone post

Closing In

2011-12-27T11:35:00.001+08:00

when you draw closer to the end of life, what happens? what goes on in your head? do you make peace or does your frustrations turn you into a monster everybody hates?

should we not all, regardless of whether our lives draw to an end or if we have a long way to go, reflect on our lives and make peace with our loved ones, friends and family, to be a better person and try to make their lives a little happier and a little easier where we can?

spite is most of the time undeserving and a waste of time. I cannot fathom how spite should push us to actions that we may regret, especially with our loved ones.

please, do not let your frustrations, your sufferings, your anger and your illness consume you and push you to humiliation and spite. life is too short for you to be this angry. channel the energy to your prayers and reflection so that life will be a little easier on you for that is the way we would like it to be.

Prayer for The Boys

2011-12-27T11:24:00.001+08:00

i pray that life will be kind to them, that they grow stronger from their loss and not turn bitter. i pray that they take the sadness that's been thrown in their faces and turn it to strength that brings them to become the good and kind people that their mother has taught them to be.

i pray that he is not shown rejection for despite his naivety, he's a good boy and deserves acceptance for his strengths and not simply his weakness. i pray that the others will see in him, the good that i see and so much more. i pray for him.

Set Fire To The Rain

2011-12-25T03:24:00.001+08:00

but i set fire to the rain / watched it pour as i touched your face / well, it burned while i cried / cause' i heard it screaming out your name, your name / when laying with you, i could stay there / close my eyes, feel you here forever / you and me together, nothing gets better / cause' there's a side to you that i never knew, never knew / and the games you'd play, you'd always win, always win / adele.

2011-12-25T02:55:00.001+08:00

christmas. wishes for the friends and family. seems like a cold night tonight. wind muting the laughter, rain beating against the window panes. merry not.

i ponder on the year almost gone. dismal, could it be? just a little more time, i wish. while i set myself right again. it's been a little too long, this storm. bring me the sun, bring me smiles. i promise, i shall be good.

2011-12-23T12:08:00.001+08:00

if I can squeeze the life out of you, I will.

but you'll probably sit on me and kill me in the process, you fat pig.

- phone post

2011-12-19T17:27:00.001+08:00

it has to stop raining sometime, right?

2011-12-17T22:14:00.000+08:00

i cannot understand. what goes through your mind?

you must think you understand. but i really do not think you do.

Sweet Jessie

2011-12-05T02:40:00.001+08:00

sweet jessie, forever missed.

God called on you all too soon, i say.
perhaps He has something else in store for you.
i know your family, so heartbroken, may think otherwise.
but i know you've gone to a better place.
where the pain no longer torments you,
and your illness no longer consumes you.

the calm you bring, the love you command,
that perfect wife, mother, sister, friend that you are,
makes believing that you are gone so much harder.
knowing that we're never going to see you again,
not being able to say goodbye to you in person,
because you're so far away, makes this so much harder.

i am sorry i never took the time, never dropped a line.
always took for granted that there will be a next time.

dear sweet jessie, you will be missed, forever missed.

Death Questions

2011-12-05T02:34:00.001+08:00

how is the end of one's life decided? is it time to go or is there still more time? when one goes, does one feel the pain and the sadness or is that sadness felt by the loved ones who are left behind in life? are we paying for our sins by living out our life and does death mean having paid off all our debts somehow or does getting a lease in life mean we have done some good some time and we're given the opportunity to live a life and death means having spent our good karma?

so many question, never any answers. perhaps one day, i would be able to answer these questions but i'm sure i'd never be able to tell.

2011-11-29T01:47:00.001+08:00

screwing with each other's minds is not a game i want to play.
i just want to smile. albeit a silly one.

No Longer// Learnings

2011-11-29T01:34:00.001+08:00

i no longer yearn for the things i once dream about.
i no longer want the things i once coveted.
i no longer feel disappointed about the things i do not get.
i no longer pick up what i once craved for.
i am not the same.

i learn that dreams are only as good as they last.
i learn that what i covet could turn to dust.
i learn that disappointment is an emotion that is not necessary.
i learn that cravings go away.
i grow up.

2011-11-27T20:55:00.001+08:00

my heart pours with the sky while i continue to smile. dreams that haunt me, i cannot recall. packed with the crowd, i rush to move. while i leave, my soul got left behind a hundred times. it is not yet my turn and i get tired waiting. who knew? it's been a long ride and i can't tell where the my destination would be.

- phone post

Lessons

2011-11-25T01:06:00.001+08:00

i ask a million questions and make a million assumptions. i hope life's teachings are not a waste on me and that when i look back at the end of the day, i am able to answer some of the questions and have made the right assumptions.

don't break me for i'm doing what i can, perhaps not in the best ways sometimes and while every time i stand up when i fall, and laugh to pretend i'm strong and everything is alright, i am only human. i'm paying my dues and from the bottom of my heart, i wish that the time i do for the wrong i've done and for learning the lessons that have been doled to me will work out soon.

there is little i ask for. i just want to be happy.

2011-11-19T21:27:00.001+08:00

2011-11-12T14:45:00.001+08:00

It doesn't rain? It pours. It's been pouring for the entire day!

- phone post

Silence

2011-11-11T23:59:00.001+08:00

some kind of silence in my head, a restful peace i appreciate. save for the nagging thoughts that have taken it upon themselves to make themselves physically exist on that vein pulling through the bottom of my head through my neck and onto my shoulder.

Gimme!

2011-11-11T23:46:00.001+08:00

i'd hate to not cut it because i do not look the part. that is the last thing on my mind. i never thought how i looked could actually work against me! looking put together is a blah now?

keeping my fingers and my toes crossed, gimme! gimme! gimme!

i said, you just need to want it bad enough and i would like to stand by it. I WANT IT BAD! give it to me! it's my turn for a smile now.

Memory Selection

2011-10-28T10:15:00.001+08:00

most of the time, my memory disappoints me and make me look like a fool. i cannot remember numbers recall smoke facts to save my life. but it will never cease to amaze me how instead i recall odd bits like the shape of his ears, some little advice that i doughed at that exact location years ago, the image of one walking away, a cat from years back.

- phone post

Virtual Ache

2011-10-25T10:18:00.001+08:00

simple kind of ache, seeping through the veins, in search of the nerve it must hurt.

once-sweet notes echoing dully through the air, playing the sorrow through it's tune.

when the dreams turn into nightmares, there's no one who will bring you back, it's real.

ah, for this day is done even though it's just begun.

Still Same

2011-10-24T22:16:00.001+08:00

years on, the scars still throb, however light they may appear to have become.

years on, the words can still be heard, however old they are now.

every drop only serves to create a bigger pool in blood, sweat and tears. some bitter and some sweet, and now an aftertaste.

- phone post

Bleakness

2011-10-17T11:53:00.001+08:00

the air is tense.
the atmosphere, obviously dismal.
with a whiff of stink,
that can be hardly contained.
you know, you really ought to do something about it.
this is all becoming too wretched.

Let Go

2011-10-13T18:25:00.001+08:00

2011-10-11T20:06:00.001+08:00

eat. eat. eat.

- phone post

Learnings of The Great

2011-10-10T23:17:00.000+08:00

today, i am amazed by the resilience of these very people. in such bad times, under such stress and duress, everybody found time to laugh and make light of what is obviously a dire situation. it's only now do i understand the bond that has been forged among the ones still left fighting. regardless of how this situation turns out and what i may do, i know i have learned much being part of a team with such strong spirit.

Stolen Times

2011-10-10T01:25:00.002+08:00

someday, we may disclose.
how today, it's all faux.
we try and look away.
and try hard not to say.
but even though it's not blinding,
and we were just finding,
we fooled ourselves into thinking,
it was just only blinking.
big lights have been flashing,
we deserve a big bashing.
goodbye to the top,
this day, we got robbed.

Doors

2011-10-07T13:03:00.000+08:00

love doors. love taking pictures of doors. never realised it till my recent travels where i seemed to take more pictures of doors than anything else. perhaps it's a subconscious thought of how i desperately need an open door to get out or a heartwarming door to be opened for me to get in.

Vice

2011-10-06T23:36:00.001+08:00

it alarms me sometimes when i become aware of my addictions and my vices. perhaps it's all i have to hang on to right now. perhaps it's what keeps me from going insane.

2011-10-04T23:30:00.002+08:00

and if i could, perhaps to reach out. we seem to laugh. yet she nags my thoughts. surely i can't help it. for it's twenty three! it's over and out and long past since. but i don't know, i'm not sure. you can never really tell. the table could flip or it may just be thoughts. let's see, i say, let's see.

2011-10-04T23:25:00.002+08:00

and i wonder, where you could be.

2011-09-15T00:36:00.000+08:00

strangedillies.tumblr.com

2011-09-14T20:29:00.000+08:00

withdrawing from life into little slices of death, it somehow feels so good to not have thoughts for even awhile. overwhelmed by the stress and pressure of the daily fires that seem to light even on water. i wish for their good, they resolve this very soon. otherwise, the end could be here even before the white flag is flown.

2011-09-14T10:50:00.003+08:00

sky fades, streaming light inwards.
drawn drapes, not doing its job.
eyes closed, sleep drawn nevertheless.

go away! i'm not ready to face the world.

Conspiracy Theory: Sleep Deprivation

2011-09-14T10:06:00.000+08:00

It's a downright conspiracy to deprive me of my much needed two hours of sleep. Thunder storm and a short circuit at six in the morning followed by human interference just an hour later is no coincidence! Life is out to get me!

- phone post

Massage Musings

2011-08-30T22:42:00.004+08:00

a million things probably went through my head in the 60 minutes that i was being kneaded, bent and twisted on that table in that dark room but it appears that most of it has since made its departure. if i could connect to writing this in my head, it would probably be the longest entry yet.

a good masseuse needs "connection", you know that knowing the "beginning and end of each cycle" thing? sudden multiple jabbings is definitely not considered a good cycle. i find that the massages that i enjoy most come from those who know not to leave you wondering what's coming next and feeling vulnerable while you're naked and have your face in a hole and your sights only on the floor.

so many times during that 60 minutes, i thought i was going to be killed by that big woman - when she kneaded me into the bed, when she had her knees on my back, when i could only see green liquid after my head got viciously and unceremoniously pressed into the hole, when she twisted my head with such force, i could hear all my muscles crack. and then i become all philosophical thinking the "life is so fragile" shit and thinking i could have just died on that table.

2011-08-26T01:36:00.000+08:00

you are my special angel, my guardian angel.

2011-08-25T23:55:00.003+08:00

it would have been your birthday today. you would have been 31. wistful thoughts as i remember the last birthday i celebrated with you. i would still have tied a bow round my neck and stood at your door today if i could.

i love you today as i loved you then and i always will.
wherever you may be, happy birthday, you.

Where Do I Begin Looking?

2011-08-23T23:46:00.001+08:00

Cute As A Button!

2011-08-20T00:45:00.001+08:00

2011-08-19T23:13:00.001+08:00

even this list seems a chore.

- phone post

2011-08-18T22:23:00.002+08:00

i drove you out of my head,
it's now a little silent.
i never knew you,
we're two strangers.
walking in opposite directions,
you go yours, and i go mine.
familiar songs i hear,
do not make me think of you.
not now,
not later.

Non-Related

2011-08-11T22:47:00.002+08:00

note to self: wake up early tomorrow morning! remember the camera crew!

i always feel hungry after dinner like my dinner is not satisfying. no doubt, i do try to eat a small portion for my last meal of the day but i have a feeling like i've been deprived! i do think my body wants me to eat junk food after dinner to take away all that mental stress i get all day from work. so i brush my teeth right after my bath so i will not be tempted to snack!!!

2011-08-07T04:36:00.003+08:00

with my obligatory wistful birthday post, i must profess that i am blessed to have around me, few but treasured friends and family... on my last birthday in my 20's, i am thankful for all the love that i have around me. if i do not show it enough, please know that i'm grateful for the love. with my deepest appreciation and gratitude, thank you for having me.

good night.

2011-08-06T00:03:00.001+08:00

it's running too late, too much. it's hardly fair and way out of line.

2011-08-06T00:01:00.000+08:00

i try not to read too much into it but what does it mean?

All About The Eyes, Baby!

2011-07-31T11:33:00.003+08:00

2011-07-19T22:55:00.003+08:00

being around idiots sometimes make me doubt myself. it makes me wonder if i'm the stupid one. if you cannot find the words to tell me what you want, it would not be possible to give you what stupid information you need! if i were to peel back that face of yours, what would i find? gnats eating away at that half-assed decomposing brain of yours?

2011-07-19T01:39:00.001+08:00

come to me.

- phone post

2011-07-17T22:42:00.001+08:00

it just takes one more person to say it to make it the brutal reality. but how far does reality ride on wired determination? it's a fine and very dangerous line between insanity and ability.

- phone post

2011-07-16T15:04:00.001+08:00

"you probably had a snack and considered it lunch right? bum."

randomly got me genuinely smiling, first time in a while. hits right on the nail while being hilariously offensive.

- phone post

I Wanna Look Out

2011-07-14T00:53:00.002+08:00

i so wanna click click!

2011-07-11T23:52:00.001+08:00

oooh.... i want!

just like how i first remembered a camera to be.

Click!

2011-07-11T23:50:00.000+08:00

2011-07-11T21:52:00.002+08:00

i miss.

2011-07-10T22:33:00.000+08:00

no, i brought the keys home for dinner, with rice.

duh,

2011-07-08T17:55:00.002+08:00

anchovies fried to a crisp with sugar

barbecued chicken wings

fresh sashimi

hot and spicy chips

popeye's whipped potato & cajun fries

prawns stir fried in butter

shanghainese glass shrimps

stir fried shanghainese rice cakes

magarita pizza with extra cheese

risotto!

lobster bisque with lotsa black pepper

fresh oysters with tobasco & lemon

smoked salmon

bread rolls with lots butter

fags and booze.

2011-07-08T16:36:00.001+08:00

can't bring myself to write buttercups when it all seems so dismal. forgive me now while i pause my long while on this road hump that seems more like mount everest and bring myself to freeze.

2011-07-08T13:03:00.001+08:00

no more grey!!!! no more cloudy skies!!!

2011-07-04T23:35:00.001+08:00

those pictures tear my heart apart and test my will.

2011-07-03T21:58:00.002+08:00

an emptied bottle, sitting on the sink. if i did not know better, i'd say to rinse it out so we can fill it again. but there's nothing left to fill. it would be better in the trash.

2011-07-02T22:56:00.001+08:00

lemons, limes or simply a cloudy sky?

2011-06-30T22:20:00.004+08:00

you can either give me more energy to get through life or you can take it all away. do not leave me hanging out to dry in the rain.
i'm a little soggy.

2011-06-30T00:45:00.002+08:00

running on artificial energy gives me heart palpitations! i need to sleep!

2011-06-29T01:06:00.004+08:00

no, you believe it's the best for you.
what's best for me is simplicity.
the next best thing would be for you to get out of my head.

2011-06-27T23:33:00.001+08:00

i wish i did.

- phone post

2011-06-26T23:29:00.000+08:00

get out of my head.

2011-06-26T03:05:00.001+08:00

load off my back, i sigh my relief.

2011-06-24T03:32:00.002+08:00

when i'm sober, it all doesn't matter. in another world, my heart shatters into a million other pieces. i speak the broken words without the consequences. i always regret when i wake up but tomorrow, i shall not. i would have spoken.

2011-06-19T00:17:00.001+08:00

too dark, she says. but i cannot help it. for my world is grey.

2011-06-16T00:22:00.002+08:00

darkness infests the troubled minds while the sun shines wildly like there's no tomorrow above head. with no reason or rhyme is the willing heart refused like trash to a bin. who's to blame and who gets to rest their tired head? the rancid smell permeates our senses while we struggle to think. alas, does the mind dull in the weary day and fatigued by night for the games so slyly played. drunken souls pretend the despondency so lies faraway and happiness comes to play for the moment so true. when the morning chimes ring, the light gives way to death that the individual wishes upon themselves and the insane and enraged lays upon their enemies.

2011-06-12T23:39:00.001+08:00

black, grey, charcoal.
black, grey, charcoal.
black, grey, charcoal.
black, grey, charcoal.
black, grey, charcoal.

2011-06-12T23:10:00.000+08:00

The End

2011-06-12T22:57:00.003+08:00

and there is no happily after. only a recognition of how the end has truly arrived in a quiet fashion.
goodbye, now.

Love

2011-06-03T10:26:00.001+08:00

overrated & underrated

- phone post

Nature's Depression

2011-06-01T23:43:00.002+08:00

crashing bridge.
deep, dark waters.
lonesome shadows.
ashy, gray clouds.
soulful cries.
eerie howls.
dismal wind chimes.
soaking rain fall.
dried out fields.
quiet deserts.

the world is not perfect.

2011-05-31T00:41:00.000+08:00

turn around and watch me die. will it be alright?

2011-05-24T00:32:00.002+08:00

a masochist arises. the dreams fall. hell consumes more than its fair share while basking in the sunlight. irony prevails. long live darkness.

2011-05-23T09:36:00.000+08:00

twisted are the little games we play. we've gone beyond trying to hurt each other, or so i'd like to try to believe. self preservation carries so strongly in the line of defense and manifests into unbreakable walls. the day we can let our guards down will be the day we find happiness in each other. before that, we're just very afraid people.

- phone post

*

2011-05-19T00:01:00.001+08:00

it's disgusting how every time i * , i * of * .

go figure.

Accidental Love

2011-05-16T00:29:00.004+08:00

美錯。

2011-05-15T13:26:00.002+08:00

self expression: the expression of one's individuality (usually through artistic creations)

hmmm..... my opinion is that it is a good excuse for people to do really strange things.

The Undeserving One

2011-05-14T00:49:00.002+08:00

in pursuit of happiness,
she was,
so in the entirety.
looking back,
so lost,
all that seemed mundane.
all the smiles,
and the bright skies too,
appeared too good for her.
darkness to be,
it is,
the only how it should be.

2011-05-13T00:01:00.001+08:00

didn't know where to put it so i popped the pill into my mouth for safekeeping while i poured myself a drink.

2011-05-07T02:39:00.000+08:00

for i always will.

Silk

2011-05-07T02:25:00.003+08:00

softness it slides, bringing that little tenderness so desperately needed. has it been? all so harsh that cannot be borne. amazement in the little matter that would not have seemed much. innocence, seemed that far away, hidden in the shadows that we try so hard to reach out of. perhaps it could be so easy but what seems not preoccupies the mind. in our own little way, we try to find a way to carry on, to figure out what it is that we search for.

Flip Flop

2011-05-05T00:21:00.002+08:00

twiddle dee and twiddle dumb
who so sees the futile jump
spinning tops and random shops
we but fly yet seem to flop
rhythms tapping out of beats
he tries and so keep to the heat
flames flare with no care
my thoughts to you share

Anxiety

2011-05-05T00:16:00.001+08:00

i find myself afraid of the emptiness that comes when sleep escapes me. is that bad?

Manic

2011-05-04T00:23:00.001+08:00

manic manic manic