Nowhere but UP

weary,

you say you are tired.

sleep, 

my dear, rest your head.

light,

it is but a short way ahead.

here,

reach out, take my hand, 

there, 

do you not see what i say?

where,

you ask without meaning.

up,

there we go.

up,

both you and i.

up.

up.

up.

Reboot

this started as a mind wandering project or freight train of sorts and it's sad to look back and see that i've digressed far off to come so clean and clear with my darkness.

i'm rebooting. to quote sheldon, i'm rebooting to the last known state of stability. alright... not possible in the realistic sense but at least here i hope.

i wear it with me almost daily now when we're not together so i feel closer to you and to remind me of the promise that you made. i wear it with me, close to my heart, hoping that it gives us both strength to cross over to the next phase, that my thoughts and wishes will go to you even when you're not next to me.

Snoop No More

i shall not snoop, no more.
snooping uncovers too much unwanted.

I do not know how to deal with this. I cannot trust you and yet I keep wanting to hope that we may yet work out.

We are so far apart that I can hardly see a future in us. You keep insisting that you know that this what you want but I cannot see it. 

I am not a reservation that you make with a ring and expect to be sitting pretty on the shelf waiting for you. This takes effort and I do not see it.

We are supposed to be sharing our lives in the future but you build this wall, determined to shut me out and keep me at arm's length. You throw bits from time to time, to keep me lingering but it's not enough. 

I'm not sure I can do this.

I think I love you so much that it hurts.

I MISS YOU

Temptation

I shouldn't have.

Again.

Enough.

Enough is enough.

Discipline

Well, obviously, my level of discipline leaves much to be desired. The self-abuse trait isn't helping much.

Devil or Deep Blue Sea

I'm growing increasingly unsure of which is worse - mounting frustration from the chemical-induced eccentrics or the prospect of a future of solitude.

Perhaps sometimes, solitude could appear to be a better choice. It possesses no baggage, no external source of heart wrenching, gut twisting fervor nor the need to consider of others.

Screw the need to choose. Why can't the cake come in the perfect combination of a heavenly savor and low fat qualities?

Annoyed. Fucking annoyed.

Promises / Words

Words don't mean a hoot to you, does it? Words that emit from your mouth are just sounds, aren't they?

In the exact opposite way, words mean more than anything to me. I do not make promises I don't think I can keep and I try my utmost to keep my word.

You, are just an empty vocal cord.

Waiting: A Waste of Life

Wait. Hold up. Wait. Hold up.

What a waste of life.

W.I.P.

i am a work in progress.

at the age of almost thirty-three, i am still only a work in progress. i have no achievements nor anything aside from my material acquisitions and my face to call my own. and yet, to restart my life, to jump start, more like it, is a must.

i want to be good. i'm coming out ahead.

I NO LONGER HAVE PATIENCE